FEAR THE BEARD

This week I'll be paying homage to man's oldest method of keeping warm: the beard. On January 15, I decided to cut shaving out of my daily routine and start the growth of my "tax season" beard. Honoring the sacrifices of America's hardworking accountants during this terrible four month stretch gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling on my face, but I will admit that I have another more selfish motive: The 2011 HGTV Dream Home. I want to win this house, and I think I've got a shot with the beard's winning track record.  Let's examine some strictly athletic examples.

Johnny Damon: love him or hate him as a sell out, either way you have to respect the beard he rocked up until signing with the Yanks in December of 2005. Damon was a pivotal player in the Red Sox World Series victory campaign of 2004. Breaking an 86 year curse was not a trivial matter, and I daresay the Bambino would still be laughing if not for the Caveman's facial hair masterpiece. In 2004, Damon was also married to his current wife - have you seen her? I bet it was the beard that lured her in.

Triple H is a 13 time World Champion in professional wrestling. In his 17 year career Triple H has been a fan favorite, heel, and everywhere in between. His beard allowed him to become the first undisputed Heavyweight Champion after the WWE-WCW merger. Known for wielding a sledge hammer, burying opponents alive in coffins, and jostling his oppenents' vertebrae with his signature "pedigree" move, Triple H truly has a beard to be feared.

Rape allegations aside, Ben Roethlisberger knows how to do two things well: win Super Bowls and grow beards. Big Ben has rings for Super Bowls XL, XLIII and is shooting for his third next weekend. During the Super Bowl XL run, Ben had more than just the Steeler Nation behind him - he had over fourteen thousand people growing beards in his honor (see "Ben's Beard"). With that kind of beard power behind me, I would be sure to win the HGTV Dream Home! Roethlisberger's beard in the 2005-2006 season was a streamlined work of testosterone, compared to this year's more rugged look. Perhaps that ruggedness represents Roethlisberger's shaky offseason, or demanding AFC North schedule, but he'll need that ruggedness against The Pack and Norseman Clay Matthews.

Finally, let's take a look at a failed victory beard attempt: Joe Flacco. We all know Joe sports some pretty good hair styles (travel back in time to his Jersey Shore "Fade" for Halloween here), but I've got to pin the early postseason exit on Joe's sub-par growth. Maybe next year Flacco could take a page out of Roethlisberger's book and grow a beard worthy of a Super Bowl.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE BEARD SHRINES NEXT WEEK!!!

Some other noteworthy beards of inspiration:

Chunk Norris

Jeremiah Johnson

David Gilmour